


Alone in the dark, a broken heart and a lost soul.

by 5secondsoftumblr



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5SOS - Freeform, Angst, Attempt, Fluff, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Sad, Self Harm, Suicide, disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2018-01-17 13:29:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1389442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5secondsoftumblr/pseuds/5secondsoftumblr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton has always felt low of himself, he's never good enough.<br/>He hates his stupid smile, his stupid hair, his stupid laugh.<br/>He's in the band through pity, they don't really care about him.</p><p>Ashton also has a secret, he hurts himself, no one knows and he hopes to keep it that day, but..what happens when someone finds out?</p><p>Warning: self harm, suicide attempt, all of 5sos , fluff</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone in the dark, a broken heart and a lost soul.

Ashtons pov

"Okay boys you're finished for the day, see you all bright eyed tomorrow!" Their manager tells us.

I look up from my iphone to see the boys all heading out the door, without me.

I sigh, it's been like this for a while, the boys and me. It started out just forgetting to invite me to dinner but then it went on to, movies, games, dinner out and to be honest it really fucking hurts.

The boys are so bloody oblivious its almost painful, while they are all out having fun and laughing together, i stay home lock the doors and cry to myself, its been going on so long that i have picked up a very bad habit...i hurt myself.

I had never thought i would hurt myself but i was so down and all alone, it felt like the only thing to do...the only way to let out all my emotions.

I regret it.

of course i do, i have to put foundation on the cuts that litter my arms and trust me i'm not very good at makeup so i always end up covering my arms in bracelets.

I shake my head and grab my jacket, walking out of the recording studio, i see that the van is still waiting for me, smiling i think that they remembered me but as i open the car door, i see them all sitting in the back huddled close together not even sensing me.

Trying my best to ignore it, i settle down in the front of the van. Lifting my head i smile at the driver and he just nods his head closing the car doors and starting the car for the way back home.

 

"Ashton we're going out, we'll be back later!" I hear Calums voice float through my cold bedroom.

I sit up immediately, my hair all disheveled and clothes askew, peeking out the window i see we are still surrounded by the bitter cold London rain, i had been asleep since we got home after having a mini break down in the bathroom.

I look down at my arms and see the new set of angry red lines, i trace them lightly with my fingertips and whimper.

Not a second later i hear a car start up outside and car doors slamming, i shake my head at my own stupidity of thinking they would stay, or even ask me to come.

'They don't care about you fuck head' i say to myself 

Dragging myself out of my bed i look in my full length mirror.

_stupid, ugly, fat, gay_

i shake my head at the dark thoughts swirling in my mind, i look towards my bathroom door longingly.

In there...is the bottle of pills, the pills that could end all the pain, all the sorrow.

My head is swirling and my arms itchy, i can hear the quiet radio from my bedside table, blasting some terrible sad song and if i'm being honest it just adds to all the drama of the moment.

Without thinking i shuffle my feet in the way of the bathroom, my hands are sweaty and shaking slightly i know that going into this bathroom, i hope to never come out...alive.

 

My heart is beating so loud i can hear it in my ears, its noisy and frightening.

I can feel the tears, gathering in my eyes and all too soon they come tumbling down my cheeks.

Pushing open the door with a sudden force, i look around, the perfect white clean room, too clean...too perfect for a disgusting fuck up like me.

"Stupid Ashton, you're just a fag!" I start to whisper yell to myself as i walk over to the sink, i look up at my horrible reflection, it scares me..the tears streaming down my face and pale skin, nothing like i used to look, tan and bright happy eyes, but then again i have changed more than anyone could ever know.

Letting out a choked sob i reach up to the cabinet, i grab two razors and the bottle of sleeping pills.

Pushing myself back until i hit the wall i sink down to the floor, placing the items in front of me carefully i look at my little stash of deadly things, by now the tears are coming out a steady stream feeling warm against my cold and pale cheeks.

I grab the razors and lightly place it over my wrist, i squeeze my eyes closed tightly and drag it deeply across my veins, i feel a sudden pull and it hurts, so much more than any playful punch the boys used to give me.

The boys.

Calum, Mike and Luke.

Never will i see them again....oh

I know that deep down i would have known this but, thinking about it now makes it all the more painful.

Stumbling to my feet, i make my way back to my bed, grabbing my cellphone i turn back to the bathroom, i sit back down in my spot and scroll through my contacts, whether or not they hate me they deserve a goodbye.

 

 

L: Hello?

_I open the bottle of pills_

A: L-Luke?

L: Ash? What's up we're nearly home 

_I swallow eight_

A: ....Do you hate me?

_I swallow 9_

L: What?! Ash what kind of question is that? of course i don't hate you! you're one of my best mates!

_I put the bottle down_

A: ...You guys haven't been hanging around with me lately...

L: Oh Ash, we just thought you wanted space? you were always going off into your room...we thought **you** hated  **us**!

A: ....I could never hate you guys...

L: Good, well we're nearly ho-

Lukes cut off by me knocking the bottle of pills over and the sound of hundreds of small pills spreading over the bathroom floor

L: Ash? What the hell was that?!

_The boys know Ash had been down lately, they just thought he would get out of it like he always did_

A: Nothing! it was nothing!

I looked down at my arm and saw it was still bleeding, but now with more force and down my arm, i cried silently as i realised it was too late, i was going to die, i thought the boys hated me, when in reality i was just being too stupid to see they were giving me space!

A: luke...i called to say goodbye...

L: Goodbye? why? where are you going?

I hear murmur in the background and i distinctly heard Michael say 'Wheres who going?'

A: Luke...i did something really bad....i hurt myself and i thought you guys hated me, i'm not going to be here when you get back, but i-i don't w-want you guys s-seeing my body s-so get somebody else o-okay?

My voice was starting to give out and i was getting oh so dizzy

L: (Whispering to Calum) Get a fucking ambulance to our place!  
L: Ash?! Ashton? babe listen i love you so fucking much and i need you to stay with me okay? baby please oh my god Ashton i am so bloody sorry, this is all my fault!

I looked down at my arms again and saw the mess of blood and cuts, i smile softly to myself at the sudden rush of peace which flies through me.

A: I'm gonna go now Luke, tell the boys i love them too

L: ASHTON WAIT!

A: bye..

 

I ended the call and sniffled, my tears which had stopped before i called Luke coming back.

Angry suddenly i throw my phone across the room, all of a sudden my arm feels heavy and i find myself fighting to keep my eyes open.

"I love you Luke, Calum and Michael...i know i shouldn't and i hate myself for it but, i do and you're never going to know"

I cry at my own patheticness.

Then as i fall onto my side, my head hitting the floor with a thud.

 

I hear a door opening.

And voices, worried and yelling wildly.

I hear more footsteps racing up the stairs.

I hear my bedroom door open.

I hear the bathroom door open.

I hear the frightened cries of the boys.

I hear them whisper words of encouragement 

I hear Michael say he will let me win at fifa

I hear Calum say he will let me come to the gym with him even though he likes to work out alone

I hear Luke cry to himself, cursing asking why i did it

I hear the sounds of sirens.

 

 

 

 

And then i black out.

 

 

 

"Mr. Irwin? can you hear me?" I open to my eyes to the sight of a bright white light and for a second i think i did it, i think i succeeded at something for the first time in my life but then i blink and look around and i am met with the sight of the boys.

All of them lying across different stiff looking hospital chairs, all asleep but i can see the tear stained cheeks and the tired looking eyes.

"Mr. Irwin?" I look up at the doctor and nod my head.

He stands up straight and looks back at the boys, he coughs loudly, which i cringe at, he looks at me sympathetically, but then all too soon i am met with the gaze of luke hemmings, calum hood and michael clifford.

I subconsciously shuffle under the burning gazes.

"Right well..." The doctor begins to go on about different rehab facilities and i know i should be interested but i really don't care,  i am too busy looking straight at the boys and i know its stupid, but i can feel myself choking up.

"..I'll be back later to talk about more possibilities but for now i'll leave you all to talk" The doctor leaves the room promptly, leaving me alone with the piercing eyes of my crushes.

 

"So..." I say quietly

"...Ash?" I look up from the bed sheets and am met with a sudden rush of air and then a sobbing and shaking luke hemmings in my lap, luke wraps himself around me like a koala, and i smile a bit at the comparassin.

 

"Oh Ash i was so worried, i missed you, i prayed for you Ash i did everything i could think of! i cried for so long i was...so, so worried.." Luke keeps himself wrapped around me while i push my head out from his neck to look up at the other two boys who, smile sadly, sniffle and then bolt towards me.

We all end up being a big weird ball of sobbing, which sounds just about right for our band.

Its a silence, filled with touches, hugs and quiet whispers of 'i was so fucking worried Ash' from luke

 

"we have to talk about this soon you know..." michael says sadly while wiping away some of his tears with his sleeve.

I look down at my arms, which are covered in white bandage, i nod my head and look up at him.

 

"We'll get through this right?" I say, my voice shaky and uncertain.

But with a sudden rush of kisses on my face, i am left to look straight into luke's eyes.

 

"You'll never be alone again babe, i love you"

 

 

And then....Luke kisses me on my lips and the best thing? Michael and Calum soon followed.

 

It was a hard and rocky road to recovery, mostly relying on the soft kisses and loving touches in which the boys gave me, and in the end i will never be the exact same but, the boys still love me.

**Author's Note:**

> Its late and im tired and i had an idea, i hope you like it, i will probably go through and edit later but right now i am going to sleep :)
> 
> So yeah, please comment if you like it :) this is my first fic and if you want to request anything then please do Xxxx


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